VICTIM IMPACT STATEMENT of woman who was indecently assaulted by former priest Paul McGennis between June 1980 and May 1984.
My name is . . . and I’m doing this impact statement to try, as best I can, to give you some idea of the terrible effects of the years of abuse I suffered, at the hands of that man, have had on me.
The abuse started when I was about 11 years old and went on for years. Right through my late childhood and into my teens, I had to carry the burden of being abused and being afraid to mention it to anyone because of what he said would happen to my family if I did.
From the time the abuse started I got steadily worse in school. I don’t know whether it was because I couldn’t concentrate but I started to think of myself as stupid and I acted as if I was stupid.
As a way of covering up that I became more and more disruptive in class. After a while the teachers started to give up on me. Because of this, I dropped out of school very early and by doing that cut down my chances of getting good jobs.
At the same time I felt that I grew away from my friends because I had this awful secret that I had to keep hidden. I couldn’t understand or join in when they talked about boyfriends and kissing and cuddling and enjoying it.
Because I was being disruptive, I was taken to the child guidance clinic and other members of the family had to come as well. I can remember being really hurt when one of my sisters asked why she had to go when I was the one that was mad.
Also, at this time I really blamed my mother for not realising what was happening and putting a stop to it. This resentment lasted for years and still hasn’t completely gone. Both of these things caused me to grow away from the family at that time and took away from me the support that should have been there when I needed it most.
Like most young girls, I expected to get married and have children when I grew up. Most of my friends have done this, but when I was being abused this didn’t seem possible for me anymore. This had such an effect on my that I tried to commit suicide in my teens.
My behaviour at that time was out of control. I was drinking heavily, staying out late, and generally being self-destructive, so again I lost relationships with friends and family.
Most people enjoy looking back and chatting about shared times. I can’t think about my childhood and earlier life, or join in with my family and friends talking about normal happy times when we were younger. Every time I try, all I can think about is the abuse. I know I must have other memories but the awful things that happened to me block them out.
Like most teenagers I started going out with boys, but because of the abuse I thought all boys and men were only after one thing – sex. I felt everyone looked at me differently and I thought that they thought I was ‘easy’. Unlike other girls of my age, I was afraid to dress in anything that might in any way be thought of as provocative.
I had a series of short-term relationships, all of which broke down. As soon as there was any suggestion of intimacy, it reminded me of the abuse and I had to pull back and the relationship ended.
After years of boring repetitive jobs I realised that I wanted more and was capable of more.
With help I applied for, and got a job as a carer in a major hospital. For the first time in my life, I really applied myself to study, and despite my lack of basic education, I got my formal qualification. I worked very successfully in this role and loved my job.
Then I received a major shock. I saw in the newspaper that he was charged and sent to jail for sexual abuse. It all came flooding back to me. I couldn’t concentrate, I was thinking about it all the time.
I found that in work I couldn’t deal with anything that was in any way intimate with patients, such as washing or changing them. I became extremely stressed, developed health problems, and after some time, attempted suicide again.
I have since had to change to a job where I don’t come into intimate contact with patients.
This of course has meant I have taken a big drop in pay as well as having to leave a job that I loved. This puts even more pressure on me, my husband, and my home life generally.
I have been lucky enough to have found a husband who is understanding and supportive.
Nevertheless, I worry all the time about how our marriage can last. I find that I’m not capable of any kind of intimacy with my husband even though I really love him. Any time we try to be intimate, I keep remembering my abuser’s face over me and we have to stop. I’m worried about how long he’ll stay with me if this continues.
Thoughts of my abuse come into my head every day. I’m moody, I get snappy with people, even those very close to me, and I’m almost at the point of believing that I will never have a ‘normal’ life. Every time I see my body I hate it. I have almost no self-esteem. I live in dread of people finding out what happened to me. I still feel guilt that I allowed the abuse to continue, even though my counsellors tell me that paedophiles are extremely cunning and expert at brainwashing their victims. I live in dread of seeing that man.
He stole my innocence, my childhood, my memories, my chance of an education and prospects for the future. He ensured I would have difficulties with relationships for the rest of my life.
His abuse puts my marriage at risk daily and denies me the chance of children. His abuse has made sure that I will never be the person I once could have been. His abuse took away my self-esteem. While I continue to attend counselling, I still question whether life is worth living.
Whatever sentence is imposed on that man, he should realise that he has imposed a sentence on me that I will continue to serve until the day I die.
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